Do husbands ever come back after midlife crisis?

The male midlife crisis is, at its heart, caused by the fear of death. Fear of running out of time. Fear of ageing. Fear of the decay. Of heading towards the end of the road. 

This gut-wrenching existential fear causes an overload. Men are notoriously bad at coping with emotions. This overload totally exceeds their ability to cope. There is usually a trigger or catalyst and everything explodes. 

They run away and make big changes leaving a trail of charred wreckage behind them, usually in the form of their marriage, wife and kids as well as personal relationships. 

You are left on the sideline staring into a blackened crater as they roar off into the distance {often astride a new Harley motorbike with a much younger woman on the pillion}.

They are nothing if not predictable.

The truth is that there is no way to predict if he will come back, as painful as that is.

The midlife crisis is a process that he needs to go through. It can take up to 10 years.

However, many men find themselves standing in the wreckage after the dust has settled and wondering “What the hell happened? How did I get here?”

At that point, there is a possibility that he may realise what he had and return. 

Whilst this is a possibility you mustn’t hang around waiting for him. 

Being clingy and desperate will make his return less likely. Work on your confidence and build a life for yourself. That way, if he does return you will be stronger and more likely to be able to repair and improve your marriage.

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Coping with your husbands midlife crisis

How long will my husbands midlife crisis last?

The male midlife crisis seems to last about 3 to 10 years. It generally happens between 45 and 65

However, there is actually very little research to pin it down. In fact there is more research about the lack of research.

For example – Mind the Gap in the Middle: A Call to Study Midlife

However, anecdotal evidence of whole swathes of traumatised women coping with this psychological crisis in their spouses shows that these figures seem about right.

To understand how long it will last it’s helpful to understand the stages of male midlife crisis. Most men generally stick to this pattern so you can start to understand where in the process your husband may be.

The 5 stages of the male midlife crisis

Men pass through a midlife crisis in stages. Each stage has its own character and behaviours. Once you see the stages you can understand where your husband is and how to handle it more easily.

Stage 1 – The calm before the storm.

This stage is the calm before the storm. Fear of ageing is drawing in. He may feel that he hasn’t achieved the things in his life that he wanted.

He hasn’t achieved in his job. He hasn’t travelled enough. He doesn’t have enough money. He sees the time available before death shortening and feels he will never achieve those things. He starts to panic.

At this stage, he may become introspective and quiet. He may withdraw a little. 

You may feel there is something wrong but you can’t pinpoint it. If you ask what’s wrong he may give a general answer like “Oh work is stressful you know…”

You may try to do things to improve the situation and make him feel happier. However, whatever you do he will continue to withdraw into himself and his own life plans.

Stage 2 – Storm clouds are gathering

In this stage, the storm clouds are gathering. Your husband is brewing with simmering feelings of resentment. 

It’s possible that in his head he mulls over the obligations of the relationship or marriage. He may resent his sacrifices, for example, whilst raising kids. He may think he’s the only one who has made such sacrifices.

For example, he may feel that he was the breadwinner whilst you stayed home and that this has trapped him in a job he hates. 

This is the point when blame starts to rear its head. He may blame you for the problems in the marriage or how he feels. I will address this in more detail later in the post but for now, know that its not your fault.

The sports car stage

Stage 3 – The sports car stage

This is when the midlife crisis starts to become more obvious. We all know the stereotype of the midlife crisis man with a new red sports car. Well, this is the stage where that happens. 

At this stage, he tries to recapture a feeling of youth and often of being more attractive to women. He may start a fitness regime or join a gym. 

He may buy a new wardrobe or get a more youthful haircut. He may start going to night clubs or hanging around with younger people at work. He may buy that red sports car. 

It’s all a desperate attempt to turn back the clock and run away from his base fear. 

The fear of Death.

As he starts to look a bit more youthful in his own eyes his ego expands. This can lead to him being sanctimonious and judgemental, especially towards you, his wife. 

He may say things like “well you have let yourself go a bit” “you should dress a bit younger”. You may remind him subconsciously that he is still the same age as he was, despite the new wardrobe and that makes him scared.

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Stage 4 – The Bomb Drop

This is the stage that is probably the most painful for you. 

He builds on his desire to recapture youth by reinventing himself. He may overhaul his whole life with new interests and friends. This is the point where he will criticise you more and more in his own head and maybe to your face. 

He will possibly be angry, moody and belligerent. In his mind, he is blaming you for anything and everything that has gone wrong in the marriage and his life. 

He does this to justify his own actions to himself. He thinks that if it’s all your fault then he is well within his rights to behave in a self-focused and often appalling way. 

He is justifying it to himself. “If you had just taken more effort to lose weight none of this would have happened.” “If you had just let me…”

Of course none of this is true but it is his inner dialogue and he believes it.

This is the stage where another woman often enters the scene. 

He may spark up a friendship with a woman at work or an old flame on social media. Often she is a younger woman. This fans the flames of his desire to feel youthful. 

If you get upset about it, YOU are the one to blame for being uptight. Why can’t he have friends right?

This often leads to the Bomb Drop

The point where he leaves for a younger woman. If you weren’t aware of how the preceding stages work this can come out of the blue and is horrifying and hurtful.

However, not all men leave for another woman. He may say he is confused and “wants space” or “need to find himself” or he may say things such as “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. There is a well thumbed script that many men speak from.

These mixed messages are confusing and can leave you wondering what has happened and blaming yourself. 

It’s not your fault.

He may move out or he may stay in the house living the single life which is incredibly painful.

Whatever he does he will find a way to live his single life. To have his cake and eat it. 

As he goes through this cycle of self-discovery and recreation you will feel powerless and out of control. 

It’s my guess that you are at this stage now and that is what has led you to this page. You may be in panic mode which is what has led you to search to see do husbands ever come back after midlife crisis. 

As he forms his new identity he can shatter yours and that is what we do not want to happen.

Stage 5 – The Resolution

This is the last stage of the male midlife crisis. However, it can take a long time to reach and he may be stuck in stage 4 for some years.

At this point, the crazy mist may clear from his eyes and he may begin to look around and wonder what on earth has happened. He may review his choices and decide what he wants in the future. 

Should he divorce you? Should he stay with his new girlfriend? Should he come back and give it another go?

This is the point when he may realise that he has created a disaster and wants to come back. 

You must look at his motivations. If he wants to return because his new girlfriend has left him or for financial reasons then this doesn’t bode well for being able to rebuild the relationship.

You have to be sure that he has got everything out of his system and is returning for the right reasons or the whole cycle may repeat itself leading to even more heartache on your part.

However, some men do realise that the grass was not greener on the other side. They realise that they do still love their wife and that they have made a big mistake. 

At this point, it may be possible to start to put down new foundations and rebuild the marriage from the ground up.

By understanding these stages of a male midlife crisis, you can understand what is happening and have the best chance of being able to rebuild your marriage if he wants to return

Does midlife crisis lead to divorce?

The midlife crisis throws an enormous spanner into the machinery of marriage and does often sadly lead to divorce. 

Whilst overall divorce rates have gone down, research indicates that divorce for midlife and seniors is actually increasing.