Why do midlife crisis husbands blame wives?
It’s a perennial problem I see the world over in midlife marriage. Why do midlife crisis husbands blame wives? The simple answer is because of fear. Fear of Death, Fear of the future, fear of growing old, fear of their failing dreams. Fear of the mirror that you hold up to them. Of course in real life, nothing is that simple. I wish it was…
Living inside your midlife crisis husbands blame game.
Before I write anything else I just want to stop and send you a big hug. Being in this situation is horrible and I want you to know that you are not in the wrong. Please stay strong.
Confusing and awful as it all is at the moment you will get through it and come out the other side stronger and wiser. Now, let’s untangle what is going on with him, because, as they say, knowledge is power.
If you have found this page through a search, the following description may feel familiar.
Your usually reliable and normal husband of many years has been replaced overnight by a stranger leaving you confused, sad and desperately lonely in your marriage. The marriage that you always thought was a good and happy one.
The way this often manifests is in a familiar scenario encountered by many wives the world over. It goes something like this.
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A man around middle age starts to notice his body changing. He may have put on a bit of weight or have some performance problems. He may just look in the mirror and not like the wrinkles he sees. He suddenly realises that he is no longer the young man he still feels like in his head.
Where did those years go? How did he suddenly get to midlife? It’s a psychological shock that his brain struggles to process. He doesn’t accept it which leads to cognitive dissonance, a mismatch between reality and his mental self-image.
He looks at his appearance. He looks like an “old Dad”. Maybe a bit like his own father. He looks at his work, he realises he’s not the smart young guy with ideas any more. He looks at his dreams and sees with horror that the time he has left to achieve them is growing shorter and shorter every day. Maybe he will never achieve them.
Death looms large in his perceived future coming down the pike towards him like a spectral dream snuffer. He panics big time.
So he fights it tooth and claw. He resolves to do something about it. Maybe to “get fit”, maybe to find a new job or start a new business. Anything to swim against the current dragging him onwards towards the final end.
He starts going to the gym, gets obsessed, loses some weight and tones up. Now he can buy those younger guy clothes he couldn’t fit in before.
He gets a new younger styled hairdo. He looks in the mirror again and no longer sees the “Old Dad”. Hooray!. He fixed it! {and we know how men love to fix things}. That showed Death!.
But there’s a problem!. His wife hasn’t changed. She’s been too busy running around looking after the family all these years to go to the gym. Holding things together whilst he’s been off on other obsessions. She is probably around the same age as him and hasn’t been trying to obsessively squeeze herself into tiny hot pants or clothes that are too young for her.
She holds a mirror up to him of the true reality of his age and he doesn’t like it at all!. Why can’t she just make more effort to look younger as he has? He’s confronting death again when he thought he had fixed it!.
So now he gets angry and he starts to play the blame game. This is the key to why midlife crisis husbands blame their wives.
The Midlife Crisis Blame Game
He starts to cruelly criticise her appearance and lifestyle. He compares her to women half her age with no responsibilities. This blame spreads into the rest of the marriage. His inflated ego, fear and, anger take over and can result in outright cruelty.
He sees the marriage and family responsibilities as the things that have cost him his dreams and youth. His wife represents those responsibilities, and so he now starts to rewrite history.
He says things like “we’ve had problems for a long time” This is often a huge shock and surprise to the wife who thought the marriage was a good and stable one. Or the classics “I just don’t know what I want” or “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”
He blames his wife and knocks her down to excuse his unreasonable or crazy behaviour, whether to himself or his friends who may be looking on wondering what’s happening {or more likely thinking “Yeah. Bobs having a massive midlife crisis”}.
In his mind, he is justified in his actions, whether that is leaving, sleeping with someone else half his age or running away from his family obligations.
The blame game completely justifies his actions in his own head which is why he’s blaming you…
Dealing with your husbands Midlife Crisis…
But meanwhile, you are on the receiving end of all his midlife crisis madness
Dealing with all this is an awful place to be and I’m sending out love and support to you.
You get held hostage by his mind games. It’s very confusing. One minute he is the old husband you knew and the next he’s a cold and calculating angry stranger.
You don’t know which is real and which is his ego running away with him. He may drop you a crumb of kindness and you think things will be ok. Only to dash your hopes by doing something cruel.
He does things that you find unacceptable, for example, sending sexual text messages to a female colleague, or having a “close” female friendship, but then tells you that you are the one with the problem.
And then you start to believe him.
Your mind whispers… “Maybe I have let myself go a bit!” “Maybe I haven’t supported him all these years. I was so busy looking after the kids. Maybe he’s right. I have been a terrible wife”
So you tiptoe around on eggshells, trying to be “better”. Trying to do the right thing. Trying to lose weight, or not argue back, or keep the house tidier. Trying to keep him happy. Because deep down it feels like he’s on the verge of leaving and if you just do one more thing wrong he’ll be gone.
Of course. He now has you exactly where he wants you. Now he gets to have both the safety net of his marriage whilst indulging in the behaviours he wants to get away with. It’s win-win for him. Not so much for you.
Midlife Marriage Rock-bottom
This is a rock-bottom point of marriage and will leave you feeling confused and desperately lonely. It’s so easy to lose yourself at this point. To lose your confidence. To believe him and think you are a terrible person.
I’m here to tell you that YOU ARE NOT!
Mid-life crisis abandonment
The sad fact is that many husbands do leave at this point. They may blow up a small thing into an issue that they use as justification so that again they can blame you for “making them” leave.
Maybe you don’t have enough sex. Maybe you “never understood” him. There are a million reasons he can come up with but the key thing to remember is that they are not true. This is about him, not you.
Midlife crisis abandonment has happened to so many women. Women who thought their marriage was secure until they came home from work to find a note, or their husband casually dropped a bombshell whilst taking out the trash or sent them a cold text saying they had packed and left.
But the truth is that you cannot live your life in fear. That way lies depression and illness. You will become a shell of yourself. Always trying to second guess him and keep him happy. That is no life to live. There is a way to deal with this with dignity and empowerment and to stop him from dragging you down.
How do I survive my husbands midlife crisis?
The main thing to know is that it’s CRUCIAL to start focussing on YOURSELF and your kids. You can’t change him but you can change your circumstances for the better and survive this.
Focus on yourself and your kids
Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Do things you and your children enjoy together and strengthen your relationships with them and your friends and family.
Become More independent.
It’s easy in a long term marriage to rely on each other. You need to take steps to make sure you are independent of him. This can mean getting a new job to control your personal finances better. Making new friends and creating a support network or getting involved in new hobbies or projects. Never beg or plead with him. Just quietly make an independent life FOR YOU and stand on your own feet.
Just let him get on with it.
The key to surviving his midlife crisis is to be able to let him get on with it. He has to go through his process. Maybe he will come out of it, maybe he won’t but if you can reach a distance from it by being independent and your own person you will weather his storm much better.
Try and healthily process your anger, for example by going to the gym. Set clear boundaries with him and stick to them. Don’t initiate discussions about your relationship. Just leave him to it and focus on your own expanding life.
Do husbands ever come back after midlife crisis?
Well yes, sometimes. The more confident and independent you are the more likely he is to realise that his manipulation isn’t working any more and to perhaps realise what he is missing.
Many times a man will awake out of his crazed state to realise he has lost everything. I have personally seen many cases where the husband runs off with a woman half his age only for everything to explode around his ears and to run back to his wife. Often, sadly, this is when a nuclear holocaust of damage has been done to his relationships with his wife and children. It may be irreparable at this point.
Men emerge from a midlife crisis changed. They have gone to a dark place of the soul in their quest to avoid the cold finger of death. They may come back but they may not be the same person you knew. You may need to start the relationship from scratch. To get to know one another again and to build a fresh start. You may be able to look into getting some help and support to heal your marriage.
But at the end of the day, the key question should be, do you want him back? The goal is to get to a point where you have the choice. A point of independence, power and clarity. Where you can weight up what has happened and decide what is right for you. Where you can make that judgement from a calm place of love and wisdom and not one of fear and anger.
Stay strong, and his midlife crisis can be a starting point to your new and empowered life.
I would love to hear your advice and experience on this topic. Please add your voice to the discussion in the comments below.
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Helen
Great advice. My husband has become distant, quiet and cold. We spend more time alone than together, and after an adjustment period, I started using it to become more independent and focused on myself, rather than wondering what went wrong. Now feeling stronger than ever and know that however this ends up, I will be just fine.
Lisa. So glad to hear you are feeling stronger. I think focussing on yourself really is the key. You are doing exactly right. You will come out the other side stronger and wiser. Sending you love and strength ❤️ xx
Hello
You ve described my life for the past year to every last detail!
You ve helped me understand what is happening and why my family is falling apart.
Now i need to find the courage to stand on my own feet and move forward for the sake of my sanity and for my kids.
A big thank you from my heart.
oh honey. Im so glad this post has helped you but so sad you have found yourself in this situation. My heart goes out to you. Sending you a BIG hug. xx You can get through this and come out the other side stronger. Just focus on you and your kids and you will be fine and pass through the horrible storm safely. Look after yourself ❤️❤️. xx
Thank you for hitting the nail on the head. While it has only been a week for me, it feels like an eternity. He can’t decide how we need to separate or if he even wants to work on it His confusion is maddening at times. Then there will be one little nugget of a thank you or a smile and I think…OK maybe is is starting to pull out of it. Nope… we are going down hill again.
Sending you a big hug Melanie. So sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I found a brilliant and supportive group on Facebook of ladies who are all going through the same things and looking after each other. May be worth a look. Heres the link. It’s called Mastering Your Husbands Midlife Crisis . You take care of yourself. x
What a great article. Thank you so much!! My husband had a 2 year emotional and then sexual affair with a coworker and it is 3 years out from D day and the end of the affair (22 yrs married at that point). He imploded our family with his midlife crisis and we are working on getting better in our “new” marriage. I didn’t have a big blow up with my midlife crisis because I didn’t want to do that to my family. Too bad they have to be so selfish and take it out on the people who love them unconditionally. Thanks again for this article!
Thanks Anne for the kind words. Much appreciated but sorry to hear all you have been through. Sending you love and hope all works out well ❤️
My husband left a note on the kitchen counter along with his ring and said he will file for divorce, he now has put his ring back on, but won’t move back home says he needs a break from married life and his responsibilities. The hard part is I am disabled and have no one where we live so, this is really hard on me we have been married 13 years and were friends before that I have known him since I was 15 I am now 46 this isn’t the man I know at all. I know he loves me he does stop by the house, takes me out for dinner and recognizes the changes I have made for myself that he is proud of me, but that doesn’t bring him home i feel its just giving him more reason not to come back because he says love isn’t enough.
Sending you a big hug. This all sounds very difficult. It is amazing how they change and become someone unrecognisable sadly. Stay strong and focus on you. Lots of love ❤️
My husband of 12 years (well today was supposed to be our anniversary), upped and left 3 weeks ago. This article speaks to me so much I cannot even believe how closely it resembles my life. Thank you, I was starting to really wonder if everything was my fault.
oh Valerie. Im so sorry to read this. Sending you a big hug and lots of love. I’m so glad you found the article. Please know it is NOT YOUR FAULT at all. you can come through this stronger and rebuild a wonderful life for yourself even though it must be very painful at the moment. Lots of love and stay strong ❤️❤️❤️
In two days, on Tuesday, it will have been four weeks since my husband left. Your article is so familiar, it may as well have been describing my life. My husband turned 50 in June, just as we were all reaching the point where we were allowed to do a few more things besides simply going to the grocery store. I had planned to have a big to-do, but once the country went into quarantine, those plans were shelved. Unfortunately, he didn’t understand. I think the resentment built for the next month and a half, until he blew up over something small one night and left for his mother’s house. On subsequent visits, he would grab a few more things to take back with him. At first, it was a very clear disaster. I was pretty sure we were done. By the second week, he was coming over to visit more often, wanting me to “spend time with him”, and taking me out on dates on the weekends. He still talks about things in terms of “we“ and “us“, but every night, he still leaves. My children are so confused. Heck, I’m confused, too! If I try to talk to him about when he thinks he might be coming home, he gets very defensive and says he can’t do that unless he feels comfortable. There is no clear definition of what that comfort level will be. Based on the time we have spent together and the things he has said and done, I really thought we were making progress. Last night, he was talking about us buying a new house together. Today, he won’t even respond to texts. I feel like an emotional yo-yo. He wants me close one minute, then far, far away the next. Normally, I am strong and independent. This has reduced me to emotional mush. I feel like we are doing things completely out of order, but we do have a counseling appointment on Wednesday. Not really sure if I am prepared for what that will be like. Not certain we are going with remotely similar intentions, nor am I confident that it won’t be a total ambush. Afraid to be vulnerable, but also scared to be strong. Does that make any sense?
Sending you a big hug Rachele. That sounds like such a distressing position to be in. Just not knowing where you stand and not having control over anything is very very stressful and very hard to bear, especially over a long time. Please look after yourself and your kids as much as you can. Yes everything you say makes perfect sense.I really hope that things start to come together for you soon. Lots of love hx ❤️
This is exactly what I’m going through now and have been for the last 12months my whole family has split he dosnt see our kids Andy the lies he constantly puts me down and and puts me down to our children when he can be bothered to call them he’s blocked my number if I need to contact him it’s by email then he calls then re blocks me this is just so draining
Im so sorry Debbie. That sounds very stressful and awful to deal with. Please make sure you protect your own mental energy. As you say its so draining and its easy to wind up ill yourself. Look after and protect yourself and focus on you and the kids. Big hugs and love. Hx ❤️❤️
My ex left me and the kids for a teacher almost half his age at his school where he is deputy head. He has broken mine and our children’s hearts . He changed from a loving partner and father to an absolute monster. 26 years down the pan ?? xx
Oh Jackie. Im so sorry. That is heartbreaking. Sending love to you and your kids ❤️❤️❤️ xxx
Omg
This is hitting home . I am so happy that I found this page. My husband left 2 weeks a ago 21 yr marriage.He walked out 1 day saying he was going to the store and never returned. We have a 1yr old and we are home owners.I have been a hot mess. But after reading this wow I really understand. Helen thank you so much for this. Me and my baby will make it happen my ❤goes out to all of you ladies its hard I know but we will all be ok.
THANK YOU HELEN😘😁
That sounds so stressful Monica. So glad you found this post helpful. You are strong and you will be oK ❤️. Sending love to you and your baby ❤️
This article is a breath of fresh air, a drink of cool, clean water.
This July 1, my husband of twenty years called me from work to say he wasn’t coming home. I had NO warning, NO inkling that anything was wrong, no emotional or physical abuse, no arguments, anything. But as I look back and piece things together, this article hits the nail on the head.
I’m letting him be — I’m getting the house fixed up to sell (we were thinking of moving before all this anyway) and I have a good job, so no worries about keeping myself afloat.
I just miss my best friend, lover, and life partner.
But I’ll deal.
You sound wonderfully strong Keri which is brilliant. As you say its hard not to miss them though. You look after you and I hope things start to fit into place for you. Sending you lots of love ❤️❤️❤️ xxx
Wow, this is spot on. My husband is currently in his early 50s and our middle child passed away on Christmas 4 years ago. It was around that time that he started spiraling. The following year his grandmother who was the family patriarch passed just after Christmas. Our youngest graduated high school in 2018. At the beginning of 2018 my husband took a job in another country and I stayed in the US for mine. After my son graduated I took him to live with his father for a year as planned. In June of 2019 they came home for a visit and my son refused to go back. My husband’s visit was not a good one and my husband even “ran away” from home for ridiculous reasons twice during that visit. After he went back without my son he put me though hell for over a year. Barely having contact but telling me it was easier to deal with the loneliness that way, etc. He was moving home and was preparing to be coming home April 4. Covid happened and stopped him from being able to move. Around that time my husband began helping a friend that he worked with start a restaurant business that delivers to businesses. The business belongs to the family of my husband’s friend. The next thing you know, August rolls around and through messages my husband tells me he’s lost his real job and that he is going to live in the other country off of his military retirement and due to losing his job can also no longer contribute to mortgage, etc because he’s lost his government job. There’s so much more to this and I’ve been so loving, understanding and accommodating through a lot. I was “broken up with” from a 30 year marriage from my husband I hadn’t seen in over a year via messages. So, I wonder just how it all fits together and how many factors are at play? I know that with us both being military and young when we got married and him eventually retiring from military, etc that there were always odds and cards stacked against us. Moving to another country after our children grew up and one of them passed away, etc. He had even gained and then lost a very considerable amount of weight, as did I during this time. He also in many ways appears to be narcissistic, though he doesn’t fit every single “symptom”, he fits most. So, mid life crisis, loss of child, empty nesters, living apart, etc etc etc. I’m curious as to what others thoughts on this are and this really has me thinking.
Oh Miller. What a difficult time you have had with all this!. So sorry to read about your child. Big hugs to you. ❤️❤️. Sadly a death is often the trigger for them to spiral. Narcissists are very difficult to deal with too. As you say, so many factors all coming together. Sending you lots of love and strength. ❤️❤️I hope others can comment too x
I can relate. We lost a daughter to leukemia and Father in law 3 months later. Husband shut down and found he was having emotional affairs. Moved him out and the mb back in 10 mth later and then he left 2 years later and started dating. Now spending enormous amounts of money and traveling all over while I sit at home. I divorced him right away. Its a terrible thing to happen after a 30 year marriage and a loss. He also had low t and diabetes 2 and diagnosed with depression.
I have been going through this since March and it has been really rough. We have 5 children and they have watched their father turn into a complete stranger who says the most outrageous things at times. Mine says that he wants a divorce but hasn’t filed, he is waiting on me to file but I will not do that. I haven’t given up on him no matter what he says. After reading this great article I will start focusing on me and my children and making myself I dependent from him completely. I will try to survive this. I will show him that my life will survive without him.
Thank you for this Article.
Sabrina, You CAN do this. Covid lockdowns since March have caused so much trauma in relationships. Stay strong and its great that you can now focus on yourself and your kids. You WILL get there and come out the other side a much stronger you ❤️❤️. Sending you love ❤️❤️x
You’d like the videos and articles on http://www.marrisgehelper.com
They call this “Standing for your marriage” and it’s an admirable thing.
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been experiencing his crisis for the past year and a half already but actually he left 3 months ago (during our daughters HS graduation 18th BDay during a pandemic). It is very reassuring but also so depressing to know the experience is shared by so many others yet they are too fragile to understand why they are blowing up all of our lives. I just wish I’d really known more about how to handle it from the beginning and regret maybe I could have been less defensive and more understanding but I‘m still the only one trying to take responsibility for his behavior. I am trying to focus on me and the girls and take advantage of the opportunity to do things the way I want for a change but it’s definitely an emotional rollercoaster. My heart goes out to every other spouse going through this.
Sending you love Dede. It certainly is an emotional rollercoaster. But yes, know that you are not alone. ❤️ Hxx
43 years of marriage and I didn’t want to accept that I’ve were done. He’s been having an affair for over 2 years and has told this woman he loves her. I’m 63, we were raising our non verbal autistic grandson now it’s just me. He knows my funds are limited and offers no cash assistance for us. Our 38 year old schizophrenic son still lives at home. Right now he’s missing and I’ve reported him as an endangered adult. I wanted freedom from the struggles too. It wasn’t an option. I stood up to responsibility. I feel abandoned to care for my grandson alone, pray my son is alright and is found. I’m very angry because I didn’t choose for things to be this way. I try to be happy for my little boy and keep things as normal as I can. He wants to know where his dad is? Where’s pops? It’s hard. It’s gut wrenching.
Oh Theresa. That all sounds extremely hard. I really hope your son turns up safely very soon. You must be so worried. Often as women we do end up staying and carrying the burden when others run. Sending you love and strength and hope your son returns very soon Hx
Wow. Have you been listening in at my home? Three years ago, he up and left. Three months later, he said sorry and came back. Six months later, he did it all again. Three months later, he came back. 18 months went by, and all seemed normal again. VERY normal. We’ve been married 31 years.. July 12, he said he was leaving. And just left and didn’t look back. It’s mind-boggling. We don’t fight. Sex is often and normal. But he said he “wanted something more out of life.” Huh? “The marriage didn’t fail, I think it just ended.” Huh? We had plans. We’re close to retirement. We have a vacation booked and he was just on a trip before Covid to scope out a place for us to retire. What the heck?
I’m trying to move forward. But like someone said up above, I miss my friend, my partner in life and lover. I miss my married life.
Oh Michelle. What a rollercoaster you have been on!. That must be very hard and frustrating when you are just at the stage of looking forward to retirement plans. Sending you love and peace. ❤️❤️ xx
thank you so much for this. I can’t tell if this is really a midlife crisis or not/I can’t tell if my husband is just totally over our marriage.
He turned 45 years old this year. We have been together of a total of 14 years–mostly good years. We broke up at the end of last year, after 2 years of rough–we had two babies in less than two years during this time. After we broke up, he became intimate with a friend and apparently developed “very strong feelings” for her. Once I found out, I asked him to end if with her or move forward with the divorce. He came back and we were trying to reconcile. After 5 months, mostly good months, he still says he’s not happy. He seems very depressed and says he doesn’t know what he wants. He even brought up this woman again. We separated again–and we are not living together. during the reconciliation, he kept saying things like “I don’t want to lose you, but Im not happy” “I don’t want to loose our family, but I’m happy” etc…tons of mixed messages. this is out of his character. do you think this is a midlife crisis?
Sending you a massive hug Lala. His behaviour sounds so confusing and stressful for you. Awful to have to deal with. Depression can cause really difficult to handle behaviours too so this may be happening also. Please focus on yourself and looking after your own health and mental well being. You can’t calm his storm but you can protect yourself from it. Sending you love ❤️❤️
My husband left 6 weeks ago, without any real explanation, just saying he doesn’t love me any more, we were due to go in holiday the week before but couldn’t go because of COVID and he was planning on a new kitchen and buying a motorhome, he’s been bad tempered and angry in the last 2 years, he’s been stressed at work and generally dissatisfied with his life, even though we have everything we need, 2 lovely children a lovely home, lovely friends and family, he’s 52, he left just before my daughters 18th birthday, he just blew up one night and has said he’s never coming back, I’ve tried to get him to come back, without begging and if I’d thought he was struggling I’d of wanted to help him. I’ve had to leave him to it now, he’s aggressive and abusive when I try and speak with him. I’m just focusing on my kids and myself. This has upset my whole family. He’s the breadwinner and I stay at home, this has always worked well for us, we’ve had up and downs the last few years and we’ve drifted apart, but nothing to warrant leaving so abruptly with no real discussion. This is hell and it seems to be never ending. I’m hoping to find a job which is difficult at the moment.
SO sorry to hear this Claire. It all sounds so unexpected and hard to handle. Sending you love and hugs. Please look after yourself and your kids. Good luck with the job search. I hope something good comes up for you. Take care ❤️.
Hi Hellen
I tend to identify with this article.the only difference is for him, he has a promotion and more/better responsibilities at work. He seems to be angry at all times especially when I am around.he doesn’t not want to be part of any family (especially my side) events and claims to have work related responsibilities. This is new because he was known to be one of the best and reliable in-law in our family. He claims to be with me only because of our 2 children. He recently told me ‘not to confuse his rresponsibility as a husband with emotions’ and moved to one of the extra bedrooms in the house,though he still does basic duties in the house. am hurting, confused, depressed, angry and literally sick due to stress, yet I don’t want the children to know or even be involved in any of these.its still a rollercoaster of emotions that I have not accepted to be mine.
Renee. This must be very hard to handle, especially when you are shouldering it all on your own. Sometimes depression in men comes out as anger so this may be happening too. Please look after yourself and make sure you have some support to help you through all this. Much love to you ❤️ xx
Thank you Hellen:-)
My husband who is 56 y left unexpectedly a year ago after 16 years of being married. There was a third person involved who was working in the same company. Both me and our son were in total shock. At the moment he is all about his freedom and MONEY. All of the sudden , all of it is his according to him and as far as he is concerned , I have not contributed much to this family. This feels so hurtful. I left my successful career 15 years ago to follow him in a third country for his work and dedicated my time to our son and family (common decision). We were also in the process of IVF while all this mess happened last September. . Currently, he is in a very aggressive mood, humiliates, manipulates and every day he has some kind of new requirement regarding, where we live, what our son does, he insist we stay in the country we currently live in (not our home country) and he wants to decide it all for us . He mentions divorce occasionally but he also claims he doesn’t want one for financial reasons. . This is a man who was not very much outgoing, played a bit too much video games , had very strong family values and was supporting the idea that once you have a kid, divorce is not an option. His values have now totally changed. Does this ever end and how do you deal with such behaviour? I can\t recognise the man I married ….
Dear Assia. Sending you love and hugs. This sounds so very hard to deal with, especially with their being a third person involved and also having to deal with the changing requirements. Please focus on yourself and your son and get some good support to help you as you deal with his behaviour. Much love x❤️❤️
It’s so devastating to so many lives when this happens. I would never have imagined that this really is an issue without going through it like I have. My husband fits the profile of MLC so precisely. The things he says, the re-written history he tells me about our lives, the other woman who is half of our age and was born the year we were married. I would NEVER have guessed that my high achieving, totally put together husband would ever have been capable of this. He has changed his relationship with our children forever and leaves me in a rollercoaster of fear and anxiety every day. This piece has been very helpful, kind and reassuring. I know I’m not to blame. I’ve been doing so much work to try and heal myself. Words of wisdom and knowing that this is all too common are helping me realise that I’m not alone. I’m sadly left thinking that I’ve wasted my life and don’t really know where to turn next as we live in a foreign country in the diplomatic lifestyle and we don’t have a home anywhere else. This makes me feel very stuck as I have to move away if I decide I want out. He doesn’t have to move and keeps his house to live in and his lifestyle. I would have to start over and I don’t know how or where. There is nothing good here.
Oh Melanie. Im so glad you found the post helpful but so sorry you are having to go through all this. Its amazing how they follow such classic symptoms but dont see it in themselves [and wouldn’t believe it if someone pointed it out]. ? Im glad that you know that you are not to blame and are working to look after and heal yourself. The moving and not having anywhere to go sounds very difficult and stressful. Im sure though, that although it is a very difficult period in your life, it will be transformational and you will come out on the other side in a much stronger, better and more empowered place. Then you will have a great life to look forward to going forward. This bit is very difficult though. Stay strong. Sending you love and a big hug ❤️❤️ xx
Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s so nice to have comfort from people who understand.
This article brought tears to my eyes. I was literally checking off all the things I’m currently hearing from my spouse. We got into a fight about a month ago, and I’m finding out he was pretty much checked out before we had it. He was flirting with other women on different platforms, creating a few accounts for virtual dating, and many other things. He’s only in his mid-thirties. However, I can clearly see the signs were coming prior because he was depressed about his weight and his body has been hurting more. He is constantly up and down with being nice and then being exhausted/angry.
These last few weeks have been so miserable for me, but I am already set to start counseling next week, and I have been getting more involved in our church. I have had health issues so I haven’t been able to workout like I want to, but I’m going to figure out a way to walk and get better.
Time to focus on my life, not his and what he’s doing.
Sending you love Anne. That sounds very hard and I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Im so glad that you are getting the support of counselling and are doing things for yourself like church which should be really supportive for you. Re exercise, I think walking is a very underrated thing. It will get you fitter but importantly its brilliant for your mental health and stress levels too, especially if you can get out into some nice part of nature. It will really help you to focus on yourself and heal. Take care and stay strong ❤️❤️❤️
Dear Helen,
This article has changed my life and I feel compelled to write to thank you. Your article was me, 10 grueling years ago. Every bit of it, it’s like you were there! For this long long decade of confusion, hating and blaming myself, bewilderment of what happened, I can now finally see, it wasn’t me at all! How I wish I knew this 10 years ago. But now today, I know, THANK YOU!!!
I was married to the boy next door, met him when we were 10, married at 22, we were married 21 years, 2 kids, the dog, picket fence, all of it. Then Jekyll turned to Hyde, every single thing you mention, was us. I did break away and do things with the kids, on my own, but being in that house, omg “holocaust” is timid. We divorced 8 years ago and my life now is amazing. Kids are great, I’m great, he…is okay, but stuck in the past and filled with regret. I honestly don’t know if he even realizes what happened, and I’m certainly not holding my breath for an apology, but all I can say is, you’ve really saved me emotionally by writing this article. All my friends/family STILL ask me what went wrong with the marriage, and we all have question marks over our heads, did he snap, was it drugs. Now I know, and I wish I could give myself a hug!!! I feel sort of reborn, all the angst is let go now.
Oh Denise. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am SO pleased that the article has helped and given you some kind of closure and understanding . That was the nicest thing to read this morning as I opened my emails. ❤️❤️❤️Thank you for your beautiful comment. You take care and have a wonderful future ❤️❤️.
This is so informative, it’s my life for the last 8 months. I found txt messages on my husbands phone who at the time insists it was nothing other than an ego boost. I was determined to work on our marriage as we had been together 34 years. I found messages again and that they had met up, he left but continues to say it wasn’t sexual. He has re written our history like you said in your article, he hasn’t been happy for years etc. He wants to blame and deflect to me. I pushed him away etc.
His bitterness and angry is in every txt but I’m staying calm and nice.
I’m being practical and getting stronger, I’ve put up with so much I’ve decided to move on and get our house ready for sale and now my son tells me he is struggling!
Maybe he is now seeing the grass isn’t always greener!
I do still love him but even if he was to beg I don’t think I would take him back. He has hurt me to badly and it would never be the same, very sad that men become so throw away in this stage of life.
Sending you a big big hug Helen ❤️❤️. Its so strange how they rewrite history like this and as you say, just throw things away, but it seems so common, like they are all following the same script!. Im so glad that you have reached a level of strength in dealing with it all. Keep going and build you own life so you can do what you want with regards to taking him back or not. Take care. Sending you lots of love and strength ❤️❤️❤️
You described my years nightmare. I told my husband he had issues last year and it all went downhill from there. He has been raging, regurgitating, rest, repeat. Abusive.
His family didn’t help, they are co-dependent enablers. They egged it on.
After I got over COVID. He served me with divorce which sent me into a depression and world of fear.
The man I love no longer exists. He keeps saying he’s not happy.
I think he’s having an affair with his baby mamma, with the help of his family.
They moved out of town and he’s been going there, this weekend was the first time he told me where he has been going.
He has been emotionally abusive and manipulative.
I started taking care of me. I bought an Louie Vitton bag, pray, lost 30 pounds etc…
In the midst of this my career started taking off and that sent him in a deeper dive.
I stopped sleeping with him, if he continued disrespect me. He told me where he was going.
I am beginning to let him go. It hurts.
Thank you. I am not alone.
Samoy. You are absolutely not alone. ❤️❤️❤️. Sadly so many other ladies going through the same. This all sounds so very hurtful to have to deal with. especially when his family are encouraging it. So glad to hear though that you are taking care of you and building your own self respect. Thats brilliant and you will come out of this strong and in the right places. Sending you a big hug ❤️❤️❤️
Hi
When I read your article all you have said is like whats happening now to me Im in this kind of situation but Im really confuse my husband still wants to sex with me even we are separated for more than 2mons, he left us because of the 22yrs old girl co-worker, at first I told to my husband that if you leave me pls find a girl that is for a long term not just for fan, my husband cheated me twice but this is the worst I thought the girl and my husband living together but it is not. I don’t see why my husband leaving us, but now Im already having a healing period and learning how to forgive. Im always praying for both of them to enlightenment their minds Im focus on myself and my son now.
God bless
Clara
So sorry to hear this Clara. That sounds such a difficult situation for you. Stay strong and as you say, focus on yourself and your son. You will come out of this stronger. Love and hugs to you ❤️❤️❤️
Wow, what an amazing article, my husband of 17 years, said all those things, ‘nit been right for a while’ blah blah, the told my family he wanted a divorce, sent me an email telling me. Then told my family he still loves me but it wouldnt work, he has met a nice woman he has known for a while, and his friends have noticed the change in him. Great
So sorry to hear that Sarah. That sounds so difficult. I really hope the article helped you see its not your fault in any way. They all do the same things sadly. Stay strong and you will come out of this much stronger and in a much better place. Love and hugs. ❤️❤️❤️
My husband is on the verge of this. I don’t know what to do. We have been together for a long time and I thought we were so in love. Now he says he isn’t happy (not just with me, but everything) and his solution might be to leave everything behind (me, our lives) to try “new things” meaning new people. His character is so different from his usual self and he finds no enjoyment in what he usually loves to do. I’m at a loss. I think he is depressed and grasping for something to pull him out. He says he keeps having cycling thoughts of leaving or staying… working on us or not. I don’t know what to do :(
So sorry Elizabeth. That sounds an awful and confusing situation to be in. Its very stressful when things are ongoing like this. The only thing you can do is try and look after yourself. Which I totally understand is not easy. Please try and take time to do something nice for you today, even if its just something simple like sitting in the garden with a nice coffee or something. Focus on you. As you say it could be depression but only time will tell. Look after yourself and you will come through this stronger. Hugs to you xxx ❤️❤️❤️
34 years of happiness destroyed when an old girlfriend of his reached out to him on Facebook. She reminded him if his younger years and she was widowed and looking for a new man. It didn’t take much for her to seduce him.
He left a happy marriage and successful business to move out of state to be near her. 3 months later and they’re not working out like he thought. He wants to come home now but he’s still on the fence with when. I think he’s afraid of coming back and being a grown up again.
I feel so bad for all the other wives who are going through this. Thinking you had a strong and happy marriage only to have your husband rewrite history and tell you it wasn’t happy or strong, that can make you feel crazy. It’s just his way of easing his guilt for the terrible things he’s done to both your marriage and your family. He can live with himself easier when he makes you the bad guy and himself the victim.
I found the thing that really made my husband worry is me talking about dating again. They want you to be there as a fall back and can’t even imagine what would happen if you found someone else that made you happy. The thought of another man making you happy, and you not needing him anymore, really shakes them up.
Hugs for all the ladies out there dealing with this. It’s not your fault.
So. sorry. This all sounds very painful. I think you have absolutely hit the nail on the head here with everything you say. Especially “He can live with himself easier when he makes you the bad guy and himself the victim.” So true.
And so right about the thought that you might date again really shaking them up. Yes they want the safe fall back position and what would happening if that wasn’t there.
You sound like you have a very wise attitude and have found your inner strength and that is wonderful. Keep strong and look after yourself.
Much love and hugs to you ❤️❤️
Thank you for this article and all of the comments that followed. For months, I have been trying to figure him out, wondering what I did wrong and what I could do to fix us. Now I know, it’s not me, it’s him. I decided to focus on me and my son, and let him work through his own struggles. For months, I thought I was the only one facing this madness because none of my friends or family are dealing with this so they had no advice to offer me, which made me feel even more alone. I started counseling, which has been great for me, but I was still confused about my marriage. But the comments offered a breath of fresh air. Now I know that I am not alone, I will get through this and I will be okay, even if he leaves.
Sending you a big hug Shanika. So sorry to hear what you have been going through. Im so glad you found the article and comments helpful. You are definately not alone and yes you will be ok and much stronger. Much love x❤️
Ong this is exactly what I’m in the start of. He told me 2 weeks ago. Then moved out so cold nasty not enough sex I’m nasty when we argue. I truly hope hell be back. Hes just turned 50 by the way xx
Helen
Thankyou so much for this.
It really puts a light on my husband’s behaviour. Weve had a wonderfully happy marriage for 18 years. Up until nearly 3 weeks when he told me he not in love with me anymore and moved out 2 days later.
My heart is broken I’m at the blame stage where I’m finding it all my fault. Hes cut contact with me and tells my ex who’s our friend he finds it hard to be around me because I’m so upset.
He also asks my son how I am every time they talk. Hes like a different person so cold and mean to me.
I honestly dont think I can live without him as we were so happy and dreams of an amazing lifetime together.
I have how ever found some solice in your article. .
Michelle
I came across this on a random internet search. It’s so reassuring that I’m not alone. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, married for 16 with 3 young kids. He turns 40 this week. He started an emotional affair about 16 mos. ago with a 23 yo subordinate and decided this summer that while he always thought I was the love of his life, he has no feelings for me at all and that he now thinks she is that lifetime love. Wants to quit his job. Wants to move and “start fresh”. He told our kids this weekend that he cant be mommy’s husband anymore and he was moving out. That we had significant problems for a long time (news to me).
I just wish he would read some articles and maybe he would recognize something out side of himself. I’ve mentioned a MLC or midlife depression to him but it can’t possibly be something so common. He’s a totally different person and even just disagreeing with what he thinks (like the kids will be fine if we get divorced) is met with anger and callousness and stomping away. I don’t even know who he is anymore, it’s like he doesn’t care about anything.
I would have never connected my partners behaviour to a midlife crisis he is 41. recently he has been very distant living in his own head and his mobile phone. first it was problems with work over the last few years he has worked constant pretty much avoiding life then last week he started talking about a new venture into property buying and advised he is leaving me and his 4 young children I am hurting so bad he saying he has been living a lie and not in love with me anymore we have been together 21 years our relationship is far from perfect but a split was the last thing on my mind, he hasn’t left yet but is sleeping in the spare room saying that we can still be a family and friends but not in a relationship he has told me that it’s all on him that he is unhappy but he won’t tell me why
This is my life & I am a mess I fidnt know MLC was a thing zi confirmed my h affsir & I filed 2 dsys later He is glad & still has zoW We have 2 adult kids D22 hasnt spoke to him in months s19 ignores his issues I am haunted by what i ssw & read on his phone zhe is abusive emotional, verbally & some physical tho never hit me spit on me, pushed me & steped on me And yes he blames me for everything! i’ve never worked i stay st my sisters house. advice appreciatef! ty
Hi Helen,
Thank you for your article it could not be more precise!
My husband (23 years of marriage) appears to be coming out of his MLC of almost 3 years (with one year of already over affair), I am holding on very well considering the roller coaster 🙃 do MLC repeat?