What to Do When Empty Nest Syndrome Hits You – How To Reclaim Your Identity and Thrive

Are You an Empty Nester?

Amongst my friends, a group of women around 50, Empty Nest Syndrome is the topic du jour. One by one our children are flying the nest, to go to university, to travel, to move in with a partner. There is an uneasy feeling of loss and “what now?”

What is Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty Nest Syndrome is defined as a feeling of loss of purpose. A sense of sadness and loneliness that can descend once the children leave home and child-rearing is no longer the business of the day. Empty Nest Syndrome can affect women heavily as often they were the one dedicating more of their time to family organisation.

Their interests may have been centred around parenting for the last 18 years or so. Women tend to have focussed less on themselves and their own needs so when the children leave they can be left with no hobbies or interests of their own, fewer friends and a lack of direction.

Many women also find that they have grown apart from their partner and may be on a different life trajectory. It can be a shock to be thrown back together in midlife with someone you may not even recognise as the person you once fell in love with.

This turbulent time can feel shocking and directionless. Coupled with the hormonal craziness of the menopause which often happens around the same time, the empty nest years can be a troublesome time. This is when empty nest syndrome can hit.

Whilst men often find identity though work, a woman’s identity is often based around the family so when that dynamic changes they can start to ask “Who am I?”. It’s natural to question what to do when the children leave.

It’s a difficult question but one that is right at the start of your path to reinventing yourself.

How to reclaim your identity after your children fly the nest

This is a time to reframe how you see things. The start of a new and exciting time in your life.

There are steps that you can take to ensure the next decade and beyond fulfil your goals in life. The ideas below are some pointers to get you back on the right track.

Realise that this is YOUR time. It’s time to be the old YOU again

When you have children you give up on many of the things you love doing. Pastimes and hobbies that used to bring you joy go by the wayside. This can be something really simple. 

I used to love lying in bed drinking coffee and reading the newspapers and magazines on a Sunday morning. Then children came along and any thought of a leisurely Sunday went out of the window when I was up playing and feeding at 5 am.

Cast your mind back to the simple pleasures before kids. 10 minutes to read a book curled up on the bed. A leisurely walk with no aim. A meander around a gallery [definitely a no-no with little kids]

Make a list and see what ideas you could resurrect as a start to remembering who you are…

Focus on Relationships & Friendships

Relationships tend to take a backseat when we have children. We are so busy trying to keep on top of the craziness that it can seem impossible to nurture friendships too.

Friends who don’t have kids may not understand why we aren’t very available or don’t have time anymore to chat for 2 hours.

Meeting up with friends may be impossible to schedule if they have kids too. Often we just give up and stay in with a glass of wine.

Empty Nest time is the perfect time to reestablish those bonds. Take time to meet up for a coffee or a walk with people you haven’t seen in a long time.

Develop your relationships with your siblings, childhood friends and those you have lost touch with. 

Time to develop a Tribe…

Work on your relationship with your spouse

When you have kids, your relationship with your spouse changes. Sometimes you feel that you are just business partners running a small nursery. You can end up like ships that pass in the night, with work, kids schedules and life all getting in the way and sending you in different directions.

Sadly, once the kids leave, many couples find themselves struggling to have common ground. They have changed so much as people the there may be no shared enjoyment anymore.

Only you know if your relationship and passion can be relit. However, you once loved this person so there may be embers that can be rekindled given a bit of time and attention.

Try some romantic dinners, dates nights and visits to place you both like. 

However, if you do feel that the relationship is past saving, don’t be afraid to strike out on your own into the future…

Make a plan…

Ask yourself some basic questions.

• Where do you want to be in 10 years?
• What do you want your life to look like?
• Do you want to be working or retired?
• What would your ideal day look like in the future?
• Where do you want to live?
• Do you have any “bucket list” ideas you want to achieve?
• Do you want to be in the same job or doing something different?
• Are there things you want to learn?
• Do you want to start your own business?

Get a coffee, and sit down with good old fashioned paper and pen and create a roadmap to give you direction. Once you have more of an idea of where you want to go, you can start on your journey.

Reevaluate your needs

Take a look at the shape of your life now. Are there things you can change that will get you nearer to your goals?.

For example, if you want to travel more, could you trade in your expensive car for a cheaper and more economical one. Then you could spend the money saved on travel.

Downsizing your house could free up cash to achieve your dreams or retire earlier. 

One of my clients sold her house, ploughed the money into a well-equipped van and set off travelling around Europe to various festivals.

You have much more flexibility now that you don’t have kids reliant on you. Your life is your own. What do you want to do with it?

Start a Journal

Journalling is a wonderful way to sort out your thoughts. It doesn’t need to be some kind of beautiful Pinterest ready journal that takes you hours for a single page {although you could do that if you wanted}. Just buy a notebook and write down your feelings and ideas. 

I love to sit in bed at the end of the day and list my gratitudes and fragments of thoughts on various issues in my life. 

Journalling can be a wonderful way to gain clarity on where you want to go.

Realise you have an exciting life ahead of you. The Empty Nest isn’t the end.

The time of Empty Nest Syndrome is not the end, although it can feel like it for a little while. It isn’t something to be feared. It’s just the beginning…

In truth, it’s an opportunity. A Time for reinvention. A time to be filled with meaning as you rediscover the person you once were.

The you that was packed away 20 years ago and has been waiting all that time for the chance to come out and live again. This is her time

Time to be you again… 

PS

Do you need more inspiration for finding your way out of the Empty Nest?

Download the free inspirational guide of 10 Powerful Ways to Relight Your Fire at Midlife below.